Everything is fine.

For the planners with no plan (is this an early onset mid-life crisis?)

Earlier this week I had a tarot reading done by my friend, Sarah Sticklin (a very good witch, indeed! Check out her upcoming Spring equinox offerings!). When she asked me what intention I had for the reading, I explained to her that I hope to get some clarity on what the f*** I am doing with my life.

You know, small potatoes.

So after rambling on and on to her about how pulled and disjointed I was feeling, she said, “I have just the spread for you.”

She showed me the graphic above and asked if it resonated. Although I loved the imagery, I remember having a visceral aversion to it that surprised me.

Feeling lost? Am I lost? I wondered to myself. I felt embarrassed for being perceived. I took pride in being a person who always had direction.

I am coming up on a year from when I decided to leave my federal career after learning my DOJ office would be eliminated. Over these past eleven months, I feel like I have lived 100 lifetimes.

In many ways, I don’t recognize that person anymore— the person who had a buttoned up, nine-to-five career advocating for community conflict resolution at the U.S. Department of Justice, to the person I am now— the person who writes a blog, whose only structure comes from the one she creates, and is desperately hoping to get a part-time job at her local gym while she figures out what comes next.

I have done so much disentangling this past year— carefully taking the things from the previous and current versions of myself and organizing them neatly into boxes— “The things that still fit” and “The things that don’t”. Through that work, I have felt so much closer to who I am and yet still, clarity for what comes next is, at best, nebulous.

However, through that processing, I have also learned to appreciate my essence in both of these experiences. Instead of perceiving myself through a fractured lens, I am learning to integrate the many versions of myself that are— not one more true than the other, each with her own lessons to teach and stories to tell.

Right now, this newest iteration is teaching me a lot about trust and surrender. When I first left my role at CRS, I felt ablaze with purpose and passion to use my voice in defense of the civil service and democracy. I had felt silenced for so long that much like a race horse chomping at the bit, I was ready and determined to say the true thing out loud, no holds barred.

Now, as the dust has settled, I find myself pausing. reflecting. wondering. All of these things are still true— fighting for and defending democracy feels more important than ever— AND I also want to expand into the many versions of myself that are. But recognizing this desire to pivot has also created a roadblock— leaving me feeling confused, doubtful, and without a plan.

And if you know me, you will know that I have always been a person with a plan. I thrive when I have a clear goal in mind. When I have a clear goal in mind, I feel unstoppable.

But right now, I imagine every version of myself grabbing any part of me that they can and pulling my body with all of their might into opposing directions, each vying for a piece of my brain space—

Write this blog! And write a novel! Keep building this community for impacted federal workers! But also you should expand beyond that! And you should do more tarot readings! And deepen your spiritual practices! Oh! Oh! And you should write about mental health and grief and continue to facilitate workshops and don’t stop defending democracy! And more gay stuff, definitely more gay stuff! Oh, right, and also don’t forget you have bills to pay!

So yes, things are a little, uhm, let’s say “ambiguous” for me right now.

The most critical part of me worries I am having an early-onset midlife crisis. Sometimes I think my desires and wishes and dreams are frivolous, self-indulgent, delusional and maybe even grandiose. Like is my desire to write this blog and build this community the same thing as Don down the street deciding to buy a Harley and leave his family so he could “go find himself”?

God, I hope not.

But after overcoming my initial knee-jerk reaction to seeing the Feeling Lost spread, I told Sarah that well, yes, actually it feels exactly like the reading I needed. She pulled what you see above.

Without leading you through a nuanced reading card-by-card, let me instead give you the TL;DR of what this reading communicated to me:

I am here (Six of Pentacles): I am begging (on my knees with desperation) the Universe for clarity and direction

What I think I want (Strength): I think I need to be strong, to power through, to continue to forcefully do

What I actually need (Knight of Cups): I need to trust, feel, and not force. The Universe is asking me to get in touch with my feelings and experiment creatively

What I need to give up (Nine of Swords): I need to give up the overthinking and spiraling— saying out loud what I am going through will help me move through it

What I have to face (Knight of Wands): I need to let go of my obsessive need for a plan. It is okay to pivot, to change my mind. I should go after my dreams whole heartedly and trust it will work out

What I need to pursue (Everything is fine): I need to pursue talking about the tender spots of life—the personal, the painful, the real. I will find purpose in shining a light on the personal and collective pain points (but maybe with a splash of dark humor and levity)

The end game (Ace of Swords): A victorious, triumphant card (some good news!) Clarity, truth and direction will come, and it often comes after loss

I will say I felt deeply seen in this reading. Again, I am being reminded that I am in the chapter of my life that is asking me to let go a little bit. Some things are just not meant to be known yet. And the sooner I accept that, the better of I will be. Patience, trust, and surrender will be the antidotes to my anxiety, and those mindsets will also allow me to be where my feet are.

So here’s to talking about what isn’t fine. Here’s to trying new things, feeling all the feels, letting go of my compulsive need for a plan, and trusting clarity will still come. The Fed Up is entering a new phase of experimentation, and I am looking forward to having you be a part of it.

Trusting and surrendering, together.

If you are interested in receiving a tarot reading of your own facilitated by moi, you can book a session with me here.

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Thank you for being here. Where are you being asked to trust and surrender in your life? Let me know in the comments below!

Xo

Jordan