Legal disclaimer: The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this publication are solely my own and made in my personal capacity. They do not represent or reflect the official policy or position of any agency, employer, organization, or entity, including but not limited to any government department or its employees, past or present. All content is provided for informational and personal reflection purposes only.
I had been torn about what to write this week. I knew what I wanted to say, but I was unsure if it was the right time to say it, if it would be worth the risk.
So I did what I often do when I am feeling conflicted and in need of guidance. I went within. I laid on my couch, closing my eyes, and I began to meditate. After several minutes of deep breathing and guided visualizations, the answer became clear —
The words, “Move towards your fear,” echoed in my mind’s eye.
And I know how this sounds — a little woo woo, and maybe even a little witchy, but I believe so strongly that when seeking clarity, the greatest wisdom will always come from within.
And because I know what I felt, and I know what I heard, I knew I could not ignore it-
I would reclaim my voice.
An updated policy
I left federal service, in part, because of fear. The day before I had accepted DRP 2.0 was also the day the department had released an updated “Personal Use of Social Media” policy. The policy states that employees must not use personal social media in a way that “damages the efficiency of the department.”
In a Reuters article discussing the policy change, Stacey Young, former department civil rights attorney who left to create DOJ employee advocacy organization Justice Connection, commented on the chilling effect the updated policy could have on employees.
She said, “The new policy represents another unwarranted attack on DOJ employees — one that stifles their free speech in their private lives and creates new ways for the administration to oust career public servants who don’t toe the party line.”
Fear of speaking up
I certainly felt those chilling effects. Part of my consideration for deciding to take “The Fork” was because of this updated policy. I worried that, with increased scrutiny of employees’ personal use of social media, something I said in my personal capacity could now be weaponized against me. It made me wonder what else would be coming down the pipe.
And so, weighing this with everything else we were up against, I left. But because I am currently on paid administrative leave until the end of the fiscal year, I still have felt unable to state publicly how I really feel, to speak on what I see as daily egregious overreaches of power.
For me, feeling silenced has been one of the hardest parts of all of this. I consider my voice to be my greatest strength. At work, I often would be the person asking questions or expressing concerns to leadership during meetings. After one all-staff, I had a colleague call me to thank me for speaking up. I was grateful. At times, I felt insecure and nervous to speak in those settings. I did not want to always be that person, but to know that some of my colleagues supported my willingness to say the hard thing was affirming.
But now, fearing that the act of speaking up could get me fired — or worse — felt destabilizing. I’ve felt cut off from a part of myself.
Creating The Fed Up was, in large part, a response to feeling silenced. I wanted this community to be a place for cathartic candor. A place that valued honesty and vulnerability. And most importantly, a place where current and former federal workers (and other aligned individuals!) could come to to seek inspiration and to find empowerment — to uplift each other with our stories.
I hope by moving towards my fear, somebody somewhere may feel more empowered to move towards theirs.
Moving towards my fear
Originally, I planned to publish a similar type of post on October 1st — the first day I would no longer be on paid administrative leave, and thus, the first day I would no longer be attached to the department. But as I witness the federal government spending millions of taxpayer dollars to tear apart families, to support the atrocities in Gaza, to host an exorbitant military parade, to unilaterally dismantle statutorily mandated government functions and services, the voice telling me to speak has only been getting louder and harder to ignore.
I no longer want to feel somehow that I am implicitly complicit.
But admittedly, I am scared. I was (still am?) unsure if I was ready to speak so publicly and so candidly, unsure if the growing Fed Up community was (is?) ready for me to do so either. It certainly would be easier not to, but I also know that I have many layers of privilege protecting me — my whiteness, my gender, my citizenship status — that position me so that I feel I can and should take this risk.
Amplifying the story of former pardon attorney, Liz Oyer
I have found strength and inspiration in the stories of individuals, groups, and organizations who- in the face of fear- are using their voices and platforms to defend democracy. It is my goal here at The Fed Up to amplify these stories. Their bravery should be honored and celebrated.
Today, I want to highlight former pardon attorney, Liz Oyer, who was dismissed from her role after she failed to recommend having Mel Gibson’s gun rights restored who lost them after being convicted of domestic violence. The department claimed executive privilege should prevent Oyer from testifying to Congress about her experience, and planned to send armed U.S. Marshalls to deliver a letter to her home, a move her lawyers alleged was a tactic to silence a whistleblower.
I was brought to tears while watching her testimony, moved by her bravery at what she was willing to risk in the face of fear. During her testimony she said,
“I am here because I will not be bullied into concealing the ongoing corruption and abuse of power at the Department of Justice.”
You now can keep up with Liz on Substack where she is using her platform to continue to speak up in the defense of democracy. Be sure to follow her, subscribe and share.
A powerful community
In just a few weeks, I have tapped into a well of limitless inspiration, encouragement, and resilience — because of this community.
I hope The Fed Up can help remind people just how powerful we are together. Our stories. Our experiences. Our strengths. Our commitment to public service, to our oath of office.
Our love of country.
That’s not nothing. Hold on to that. It is a fountain we can all drink from when we are feeling scared, alone, or helpless. As I reflect on what this fear can teach us, I consider this quote from American nun, Pema Chödrön,
“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”
So what is your fear telling you today? What truth is it leading you to? What is it asking of you? Our country needs your strength more than ever, how can you use it?
Thank you for being here. If you have recommendations for other stories The Fed Up should highlight, please comment or dm me on LinkedIn. Finally, please consider clapping, commenting, sharing, and reposting. This is so important! You engagement will help more people find this growing and powerful community.
Stay tuned. I have so much more to say.
With my humble gratitude,
Jordan